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h16

Par h16,
dans La Taverne

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G7H+

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Des passages pas mal :

DIVORCE

Why do people need to get divorced anyway? “Because we’ve grown apart.†What the fuck does that mean? Maybe it’s time my brother and I realized we’ve grown apart and we get a brother divorce. I’m going to tell my grandma that I need to see other grandmas for a while because I need my freedom.

Two generations ago nobody got divorced. You just did your best to find the right one, then you made it work. Sure, there were some bad times when they weren’t getting along that great and, yes, they did want to fuck other people but they didn’t. They had bigger responsibilities. But when the boomers were horny or in a bad mood they just got divorced. Divorce has gone up 600 percent since 1968 and what has it got us? A whole lot of fucked-up people

WOMEN’S LIBERATION

Talk about a failed experiment. “Hey, we’re going to free you from the kitchen so you can join the man’s world.†They neglected to mention: a kitchen is not a prison, most of the work in a man’s world is a boring pain in the ass, these liberated women are still going to cook and clean as much as their mothers did, the wages of both spouses will be lowered so there’s no real financial gain, stressful office work makes you go bald, hiring a nanny means diluting the love equation (50 percent of college-educated working mothers use nannies), CEOs don’t get to see their kids, and finally, a biological fact that is still verboten to admit: “Your ovaries aren’t going to make it past 35.â€

MARX

Last year we told you how the German Marxists taught boomers to yell “Nazi†and “racist†anytime they’re losing an argument but do you know why there were so easily brainwashed by this Marxist propaganda? Because it made their parents really fucking angry. The pre-boomer generation were covered in blisters from digging and scraping their way out of the working class and understandably went ballistic when their affluent and unemployed offspring told them what it is the working man goes through. No spoiled brat can resist making steam come out of his father’s ears, hence an entire generation of incredibly wealthy capitalists teaching the world the merits of socialism. As Andy Milonakis says, “You gotta be rich to hate money.â€

Of course to dare to point this out means you are secretly in cahoots with Republicans. No, we hate you both equally. The Left is too stupid and the Right is too uptight. Today there is no difference between neocons and liberals. They are all one thing: baby boomers.

TOP-HEAVY BUSINESS STRUCTURES

You know how we do an article? One guy checks out a weird thing, takes a digital picture of it, lays it out in Quark or InDesign, then emails the whole package to the printer for free. That’s the way our generation does things, by ourselves.

Most magazines, however, are still using the boomer template of: find out about a thing from a press release, have an editorial meeting about it, get an editor to spend a day finding a good writer, then have the photo editor have a meeting about it, he then finds a photographer that would be suitable, they fly the two down there, blah blah, money, more meetings. Basically they have about seven people do the job of one for ten times the money. It’s the same with everything they do. Look at the music industry. They have one successful record for every nine that fail. As Vice Record’s Adam Shore put it, “I can’t think of any other business where a 90 percent failure rate is considered a success.â€

NEWSWEEK

Goddamnit. Pick up the past few issues of Newsweek and all they want to talk about is transplants and Alzheimer’s and how to cure hearing loss and “Do we have the technology to extend life?†It used to talk about news occasionally but now you feel like you’re reading a trade magazine for geriatric medicine. Can’t these people just die? It’s not like any of this “care†makes a difference. According to Health Care Matters, “a 10 percent increase in pharmaceutical consumption would increase a 60-year-old’s unadjusted life expectancy by about 0.6 percent.†That means approximately 160 more days of crawling around the living room in a cardigan trying to figure out how to record Matlock.

BIG BROTHER

Even though they don’t live anywhere near here, boomers hate that there are cameras on city streets and phone calls are occasionally recorded. Guess what, suburbanites, we like cameras on the street. That’s how we got Rudy Fleming. If someone wants to record my phone calls, go bananas. The only time I do anything illegal is when it’s in a bathroom or in my home and there’re no cameras there so fuck it. The rest of the time I want to be monitored. Go get on a plane where none of the passengers have gone through security if you hate surveillance so much. That plane would reek so bad from people shitting their pants in fear you’d have to jump out the window.

“Waaah, but they could be spying on you so they can market to you more specifically!†Good, I am sick of SUV ads. If someone wants to send me junk mail about a new Suicidal Tendencies box set, bring it on.

“Ooooh oooh, but what about George Orwell? What if they put microchips in our brains?†How about we cross that bridge when we come to it? There are 11 million illegals in this country. Two of the 9/11 terrorists were here on expired visas and five of them were already wanted in connection with other attacks. “Big Brother†is not exactly overexerting himself.

THEY DON’T DO ORAL SEX

Can you believe these fucking losers need some fag to come by with a briefcase full of dildoes to tell them how to do a blowjob? Ha ha ha. What were you doing for the past twenty years, lying on top of each other and wiggling around until a baby came out?

PONTIFICATING

Are they constantly sitting by the lake in On Golden Pond? Well, yeah, kind of. Their whole life is a big hangout with nothing to do but ask meaningless questions about stuff. “Oh, should gays be married? Oh, what about the death penalty? And what is rap anyways?†Who gives a shit? The other day I tuned into CBC Radio and you know what the topic of the day was? (This is not a joke.) It was, “Why do we say duck tape instead of duct tape?†Hey, old people, I don’t have time to ponder. I’m busy doing stuff and trying to pay off the Sisyphean debt you stuck me with. Move!

Of course, they’re not listening. They’re by the lake musing. They love to muse because you never have to get into facts or statistics. You can just throw math in the garbage, grab a big book of critical theory and hmmmm away.

THE SOLUTION

Now that we know who they are, here’s what to do with them: Let them starve. They’re letting their parents rot in old-age homes right now. Let’s up the ante and cut “homes†right out of the equation. Leave them where they are, throw in a few chlorine pucks, and lock the door. All they talk about is the price of pills and how they need hip replacement surgery and more pills and “Oooh, I have to go to Canada to get my pills.†Fuck their pills. No other generation had pills. They can die with dignity like everyone else.

Boomers like to tell us our numbers are plummeting and we need new people to come in and help the baby boomers deal with retirement. No. We don’t. We like the idea of a smaller population. We are not bringing in a whole new crop of slaves to pay your pensions and keep you within the lifestyle you’ve become accustomed to. We are not going to raise taxes to support your drug habit. We’re not even going to shit on your grave. It’s a waste of shit. When you die we are going to pull your blanket over your head and quietly walk out of the room. That’s all you get, you self-centered, self-seeking, self-interested, self-absorbed, self-indulgent, self-aggrandizing, boring, stupid shitstains.

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